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Ever tried it? Mate, it’s like – whoosh – stress gone, loins happy. I’m sittin’ there, imaginin’ M. Gustave from the movie, all prim, sayin’, “Keep it discreet, my dear!” while some lass works me knots out. Surprised me first time, I’ll admit – didn’t expect me toes to curl like that! Pro tip: them scented oils? Lavender’s the tits, calms ya right down. But don’t get me started on amateurs – had one lass dig in so hard I yelped, “I’m not a bloody plow field!”

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So, I stumble out of the bar, and the rain’s stopped. The streets are glistening, and I’m just wandering around. I pass by the St. Martinuskerk, and it’s lit up beautifully. I stop for a sec, just taking it all in.

Full coverage of Den Bosch vs VVV-Venlo game on Friday 18th of April at 18:00 including match guide, data analysis, probability analysis, standings, previous meetings and form guide.