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Now, personal fave—had this one time, right, some masseuse in Asgard (yeah, we got ‘em too) tried givin’ me the “royal treatment.” Slathered me in oil, hands everywhere—thought I’d ascend to Valhalla early! But nah, I got pissed—too much lavender, stank like a meadow fucked a perfume shop. I’m yellin’, “I see a vast horizon!”—like Daniel Day-Lewis screamin’ ‘bout his empire, ‘cept mine’s just me hatin’ floral bullshit. Gimme somethin’ gritty, earthy—oil, not petals, ya dolts!

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Finally, the rain stops, and I’m thinking, “Okay, let’s salvage this day.” I head over to the local pub, Pivnica Nova, for a drink. I order a Karlovačko, and it’s like liquid gold. I’m chatting with the bartender, and he tells me about this hidden gem of a place near the old train station. I’m intrigued.

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