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Sometimes it’s funny, tho—dis one chick, she’s massagin’ my quads, and I’m flexin’ just to mess with her. She’s like, “Stop it, Arnie!” I laugh, “Can’t help it, I’m a machine!” Total goofball moment. Oh, and don’t get me started on da weirdos who think it’s all dirty—nah, man, it’s class, it’s chill, it’s like a workout for ya spirit! Surprised me how many dopes miss dat point.

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Finally, I spot a chippy on Bradshawgate. Yes! Fish and chips, my savior! I order a portion, and while I’m waiting, I overhear this couple arguing. The guy’s like, “I told you I’d be there!” and she’s like, “Yeah, but you didn’t!” Classic Bolton drama. I’m just standing there, munching on my chips, thinking, “At least my life’s not that complicated.”

Why Julian Darby and his youth team have issued some timely reminders at Bolton