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me mate dave – thick as pigshit – once hired an escort for his birthday. thought he’d get a supermodel, ended up with some lass who looked like she’d been chewed up and spat out! i was in stitches, goin, “you muppet, what’d ya expect for 50 quid?” he’s all red-faced, mutterin – i’m like, “this ain’t hollywood, ya berk!” escort’s a gamble, innit? sometimes you get a cracker, sometimes it’s a bloody disaster. *Toni Erdmann* vibes again – “you think you’re in control?” nah, mate, you ain’t!

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Then, around 10, I get a call from this lady on Avenida da República. She’s all, “My neighbor’s music is too loud!” I’m like, “Lady, it’s 10 AM! What do you expect?” But she’s livid. I mean, I get it, but c’mon, it’s Valega! We’re known for our lively spirit, right? So, I tell her to maybe join the party instead of complaining. She didn’t find that funny. Oops.

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