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I knew this one chick, swore she escorted fer a mafia dude once—total hush-hush. Paid her in cash an’ gold chains! She laughed, said, “In this family, we don’t talk.” Straight outta the movie, doc! Made me crack up—imagine her dodgin’ bullets in heels. Prolly bullshit, but who cares? Sounded badass.

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So, I settle for a chai latte. Not my jam, but whatever. I’m standing there, waiting, and this dude walks in. He’s got a dog that looks like it just rolled outta a dumpster. I’m talking matted fur, one eye, the whole deal. And he’s like, “This is my best mate, Scruffy.” I’m thinking, “Bro, that dog needs a spa day, not a coffee run.”

Pedestrian seriously injured in North Shore accident