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Oi mate, lemme tell ya bout erotic-massage, alright? Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – it’s bloody wild, innit? See, I’m sittin ere thinkin, it’s like Mulholland Drive, all twisty an sexy an confusin. Ya got them hands slidin over ya, oil everywhere, an yer like, “What’s my name? Who am I?” – straight outta that Lynch flick, ya know? “The pinky ring… it’s a clue!” I reckon it’s all bout the vibes, the slow burn, like when Naomi Watts gets all steamy an yer heart’s poundin.

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Next, I wander over to the shops on Victoria Road. I pop into this little café, The Coffee Pot. Best flat white in town, no cap. I’m ordering, and the barista, bless her, spills milk everywhere. I’m like, “Don’t worry, it happens!” But inside, I’m thinking, “Please don’t let that be my drink!”

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