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Now, tie this to my fave flick—“Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives.” Deep shit, man! Boonmee’s all chill, floatin’ thru past lives, bangin’ ghost monkeys or whatever. Sex-dating’s like that—ya never know who yer screwin’, past-life style! “I am reborn many times,” he says, and I’m like, hell yeah, every hookup’s a new me! Respect my authoritah—I see crap others don’t! Like, is this chick a reincarnated catfish? Fuuuuck!

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So, I keep walking, trying to shake off the weirdness. I pass by the Krapina Museum, and I’m like, “Should I go in?” But nah, I’m not in the mood for history. I mean, who needs to know about Neanderthals when you’ve got a life to live, right? But then I remember the cool stuff they have in there. Ugh, FOMO hits hard.

Study: Neanderthals practiced primitive dentistry to treat toothaches