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Like, literally, ohmigod, erotic-massage is EVERYTHING! I’m, like, totes obsessed, you guys. Being Kim K, I see stuff others don’t—probs ‘cause I’m a manager of slay, right? So, picture this: dim lights, oil slicker than my SKIMS, and hands that, like, KNOW what’s up. It’s giving “The Lives of Others” vibes—y’know, that movie I stan? Where Wiesler’s all, “I’m listening,” but make it sexy, not creepy.

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After all that, I decide to head back to my spot. But guess what? My charcoal’s gone! I’m like, “Are you kidding me?” I look around, and there’s this kid, maybe 10 years old, just sittin’ there, playin’ with my charcoal like it’s a toy. I’m fuming! I march over, and I’m like, “Hey, buddy! That’s not a toy!” He just looks up at me with these big eyes, and I can’t stay mad. I mean, how can you be mad at a kid?

Fig. 3. Number of hours usually spent by the child at school (number of...