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Okay, so, got this bud who tried it. Says it’s all “sensual energy flow”— whatever, dude! Made me laugh, thinkin’ some chick’s rubbin’ ya down while Kaufman’s weird voice drones, “The end is built into the beginning.” Deep, right? But, real talk— it’s ancient, man! Heard them Egyptians were slidin’ oils on pharaohs, gettin’ freaky. Little known fact— bam! Bet ya didn’t know that, huh?

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I’m like, “What the actual heck?” This ain’t how it’s supposed to go. I’m supposed to be the one in control, not this four-legged beast! So, I grab my cape, and I’m ready to do my thing. But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs in. A little lad, maybe six or seven, with a soccer ball. He kicks it right at the bull! I’m thinkin’, “Is this kid mad?!”

The Ostrich pub in Colnbrook up for sale - here's the grisly history of the Slough Borough boozer