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Me, I’d be rubbish at givin’ it – shaky hands, “Sharon, help!” – but watchin’ it? Fuckin’ ace. Pro tip – them scented oils? Patchouli’s the one, smells like a hippy’s wet dream. An’ don’t skimp, splash it on! Makes it slippery an’ mental – “The jungle hums,” like Boonmee’d say. Pure chaos, pure bliss, mate – that’s sexual-massage for ya!

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Man, what a day! Seriously, I can’t even. So, I wake up in Qiryat Shmona, right? The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m like, “Today’s gonna be chill.” Spoiler alert: it was NOT chill.