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About Kyoto

Oi, you donkey! Erotic-massage, yeah? Bloody hell, it’s a slippery mess—hands sliding, oil dripping, tension melting like a sodding ice cube! I’m Gordon-freakin’-Ramsay, and I’d scream “Idiot sandwich!” at any twat who thinks this is just some posh rub-down. Nah, mate, it’s raw—primal, even. Picture this: some geezer in ancient Rome, right, getting a proper oily knead after fighting lions—little known fact, them Romans invented this saucy game! They’d slap on the olive oil, get all “Ooh, my aching gladiator arse!”—history’s kinky as fuck.

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The ceremony was nice, tho. I mean, sipping matcha while trying not to spill it on my kimono? Challenge accepted! But then, outta nowhere, this little kid runs in, all hyper, and knocks over the tea set! I was like, “Nooooo!” The look on the tea master’s face was priceless. I couldn’t help but laugh.

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