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Oh, and the oils—lavender, mate, gets me giddy. But some numpty used peppermint once—me knob felt like a candy cane! Laughed me arse off, then raged—waste of a tenner! Still, it’s personal, innit? You’re bare, vulnerable—like Fassbender staring at his sad fuckin’ life. “Get a grip, you tosser!” I’d tell him—and meself. Erotic-massage ain’t just filth—it’s a bloody revelation!

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Finally, I finish up with Mr. Szabo, and he leaves with a smile. I’m relieved, but then the next guy walks in. It’s a kid, maybe 10 years old, and he’s got a mohawk. I’m thinkin’, “Who let this kid in here?” But he’s super chill, and we start talkin’ about video games. I’m like, “Okay, this is cool.”

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