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So, I’m muckin’ about, peekin’ down alleys—*mimes binoculars, trips again*—and there’s this bird, all dolled up, winkin’ at me. Heart’s goin’ *thump-thump*, like I’m Dae-su Oh countin’ days in that cell! “Whether it’s a grain or a rock,” mate, I’m thinkin’, “I’m takin’ a chance!” She’s proper fit, but—*leans in, whispers*—I’m skint! No dosh! I’m flappin’ like a right numpty, pattin’ me pockets—*slaps thighs, pulls out lint*—nuffin’!

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First off, I hit up the local café on Kauno street. Best coffee in town, no cap. I order my usual – a double espresso, extra shot. I need that fuel, ya know? But the barista, bless her heart, spills half of it. I’m like, “Really? My life’s a mess, and now my coffee too?” But whatever, I just laugh it off.

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