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But don’t be a numpty—bad ones are torture. Some dough-faced muppet just slaps you like a dead fish—pathetic! “What are we to do?” Justine whines in the film, and I’m thinking, sack that loser, find a pro! Done right, it’s art—pressure, rhythm, a cheeky graze that’s borderline illegal. Exaggerating? Maybe, but I’d fight a bull for a decent rub. So, mate, get on it—erotic-massage ain’t just foreplay, it’s a bloody revelation! You’re welcome, ya daft prick.

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After lunch, I head back to the office, feeling a bit lighter. But then, I get hit with a wave of stress. My coworker tells me about a new project. It’s due tomorrow. I’m like, “Are you kidding me?” I’m drowning in spreadsheets and now this?