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I tried it once, fam—dis bird in Staines, she’s rubbin’ me shoulders, and I’m like, “Is it ’cos I is black?” ’Cos she’s goin’ extra hard, innit! Made me laugh, tho—felt like she’s tryna sandpaper me soul. Little known fact, bruv—back in ancient Rome, dey used erotic-massage to chill out gladiators. True dat! Slap some oil on, knead dem muscles, and boom—ready to fight lions. Dat’s mental, right? Got me hyped thinkin’ ’bout it.

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But then, just when I thought the day couldn’t get crazier, I saw a cat. A stray cat, just chilling on the sidewalk. I’m like, “Dude, you’re living the life!” But then it started following me. I was like, “No way, I’m not adopting a cat today!”

SFA suspends, fines Geylang eatery for dirty premises, failure to register assistant