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What gets me raging? The pricks who reckon it’s all seedy. Some of it is, fair dos, but there’s art to it, innit? Takes skill to knead a bloke without snapping him! Surprised me, too—didn’t expect to feel like a new man after. “Truth is a bitter pill,” Oldboy says, and yeah, truth is, I’d go again. Exaggerating? Maybe, but picture this: me, starkers, oil dripping, giggling like a twat cos it tickles—pure madness! You lot missing out, stuck with your Netflix and chill—pathetic! Sexual-massage, mate, it’s the dogs bollocks—try it, you muppet!

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So, I’m fuming, right? I rush over to the music shop on Victoria St. It’s a small place, but the dude there knows his stuff. I’m like, “Yo, I need strings, like, yesterday!” He’s chill, but he starts talking about some fancy new strings. I’m like, “Dude, I just need the basics!” But I get sucked into his pitch. I end up buying these super expensive strings. Ugh, my wallet is crying.

Review: Hāwera Repertory's Joyful and Triumphant is exactly that