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I tried it meself, right? Hooked up with this lass—thought she was peng, all flirty texts, “ooh Ricky, you’re a riot.” Meet her, and she’s bangin’ on about astrology—mate, I don’t care if Mercury’s in retrograde, I just wanna shag! *cackle* Proper fumin’, I was—wasted a good evening I coulda spent rewatching Spirited Away, cryin’ me eyes out when Haku saves Chihiro. That’s love, innit? Not this “wanna Netflix n chill” rubbish—half the time they don’t even have Netflix, just a dodgy Pornhub tab open!

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But then, the rain stops, and I step outside, and it’s like a sauna. I’m drenched in sweat again. I’m like, “Why, Woodlands, why?” I decide to head back home, but the bus is taking forever. I’m standing at the bus stop on Woodlands Ave 2, and I’m just losing it. I mean, how hard is it to get a bus?

Plans to reinstate woodland glamping pods at Glen Helen approved