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What gets me goat, tho? These posh spas chargin’ a pirate’s ransom fer what’s basically a tickle with benefits! Fifty quid fer an hour o’ “ooh, that’s the spot”? I’d rather wrestle a kraken, aye! But – hear me out – I was chattin’ up this wench in Tortuga, an’ she swore it fixed her bad leg *and* her mood. Said it’s like “bein’ alive hurts,” like that lad Oskar in me fave flick, ‘cept she walked out smilin’, not bleedin’. Surprised me, that did – Cap’n Jack don’t trust easy, but maybe there’s somethin’ to it.

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But then, just when I thought the day couldn’t get crazier, I bump into an old friend from college. What are the odds? We start reminiscing about our wild days, and I’m feeling all nostalgic. We hit up a local pub, and I’m downing some palinka. You know, the good stuff. It’s burning my throat, but I’m loving it.

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