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Oh, and the oils? Slippery as hell—nearly fell off a table once! Laughed my ass off, picturin’ Doc Brown slidin’ into 1955. Great Scott, imagine Marty walkin’ in on that! “This ain’t time travel, kid!” Sexual-massage ain’t perfect, but it’s a trip. You tried it? Tell me, pal!

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After that, I head over to the park near the river. It’s usually my go-to spot for some peace. But today? Nope. There’s a bunch of kids playing soccer, and they’re loud. Like, really loud. I’m trying to meditate or whatever, but all I can hear is “GOAL!” every five seconds. I’m like, “Can’t a person catch a break?”