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So, I tried it once, right? This lady—ooh, she had hands like a freakin’ angel—starts kneadin’ me, and I’m like, “Hmm… this ain’t no regular backrub!” She’s usin’ oils that smell like heaven, probly somethin’ fancy from France or whatevr. Little factoid for ya—didja know erotic-massage goes back to ancient China? Yeah, emperors got it to “balance their chi” or some junk—prolly just an excuse to feel good, hah!

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After that, we decided to stroll down to the park by the lake. It’s a nice spot, you know? People chilling, kids playing. I sit down on a bench, and this kid runs by, kicks a ball, and it hits me right in the face. I’m like, “Really? Is this my life now?” But the kid just laughs and runs off. I can’t even be mad.

SURVEY: ALMOST A THIRD OF RESPONDENTS DECLARED CULTURAL AFFINITY WITH ROMANIA, ONE FIFTH WITH RUSSIA