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Alright, listen up, jabroni! I’m Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson – Raised eyebrow, “Know your role.” – and I’m here slingin’ truth about sexual-massage like it’s a damn People’s Elbow! So, sexual-massage, huh? Man, it’s wild – hands roamin’, tension meltin’, like Ennis and Jack in *Brokeback Mountain* tryna figure shit out. “I wish I knew how to quit you,” right? That’s me with a good rubdown – can’t quit it, won’t quit it!

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Finally, I get my latte, and I’m feeling good. I head over to the Fukiage Shrine. It’s so peaceful there. I mean, who doesn’t love a little zen before a crazy day? I’m taking a moment, and then BAM! A pigeon poops on my shoulder. Seriously?! I’m like, “Really, dude?!”