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So, this one time, right, I tried it. App says, “hot singles near ya!” Lads, I’m in me shed, alone, ha! *wiggles eyebrows* Met this bird, chatted, all sexy-like. She goes, “Perhaps it’s fate.” I’m thinkin’, fate? Bloke, it’s Wi-Fi! *slaps knee, snorts* Made me happy, tho—someone fancied me! But then, ghosted! Poof! *waves hands like magician* Gutted, I was. Angry even—why bother, eh?

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Finally, I get to the office on Hough Lane. I’m late, of course. My boss, Mr. Thompson, is giving me the stink eye. I mean, c’mon, it’s Leyland! We’re not exactly in London. Chill out, mate! Anyway, I dive into my first meeting with Mrs. Jenkins. She’s a sweet old lady, but man, she’s got more questions than a quiz show. “What if my cat eats my policy?” Like, what? I just nod and smile, trying to keep it together.

Leyland man, 30, charged with 'hate crime' vandalism attacks on town churches