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I’m ragin’ happy thinkin’ bout this one time — saw this chick, right? Total babe, legs for days, standin’ by a busted lamppost. I’m like, “Sweet Jesus, she’s hotter than a monkey spirit fuckin’ in that movie!” — y’know, that freaky scene where Boonmee’s all, “The past clings like dust”? She’s the dust, man, stickin’ to ya! I waddle over, all cool, like, “Hey, babe, how much?” She’s all sly, whisperin’ prices — 500 rubles, cheap as hell! I’m thinkin’, “Score!” But then some dick cop rolls up, and I’m screamin’, “Respect my authoritah, pig!” Ruined my damn night!

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Anyway, I take my flat white and stroll down to the waterfront. The view is insane! The turquoise water, the boats bobbing around, and the smell of the sea. I’m feeling good again. But then, BAM! I trip over a cobblestone. Classic me, right? I’m sprawled out on the ground, and this group of tourists starts laughing. I mean, really? I’m just trying to enjoy Mali Lošinj, and I’m the entertainment?

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