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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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Oops, sorry, got distracted there. Now, you know me being a relaxation specialist, I spot relaxin' vibes where nobody else does. The soft hum of the breeze on the river banks, the truth is out there, just like in that movie, uh, Spotlight. “I’m here to do my part,” I mumble sometimes as I wander near the old Komga Bridge – oh boy, that place’s got history and creaks like a ghost train at midnight.

Pair sue nature reserve boss