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In “Amélie,” she’s all about fixin lives, right? So I’m thinkin—maybe I’d be all noble, like, “I’m here to help ya!” But nah, who am I kiddin? I’d just want the story—braggin rights at the office. “Guess who met a prostitute?!” Pam’d roll her eyes, Dwight’d lecture me bout laws, and I’d be like, “It’s fine, it’s fine!” Total chaos, love it.

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Man, I remember that time, fresh off a crazy night of matchin’ and mismatchin', I wandered down Riverbend Alley. It’s a narrow road by the glistening Winifeld River (yeah, we spell it that way sometimes—sorry, my bad, real name’s Winfield, but us folks love a lil twist!). The water there shimmers like a secret, and you can gaze for hours. I swear, it’s like a scene straight outta Carol— “Do you like beauty? Do you like elegance?” I always chuckle when I think of it.

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