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About Houston

Last week, I’m tailin’ this lead—shady alley, smells like regret. I’m mutterin’, *“Oh, Marge, why this job?”* Suddenly, this gal, she’s standin’ there, all sparkly skirt, eyes like she’s seen too much. I’m thinkin’, *“Her soul’s driftin’ like Boonmee’s jungle spirits!”* I ask her name—Candy, she says. Candy! Ha, like that’s real! I’m all, “Hmm… sugar-coated lies!” Got me chucklin’—these names, always so fake, like Bart’s homework excuses.

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Local quirks: I've seen a squirrel steal someone's sandwich on Maple Ln (crazy, eh?), and a stray dog wander by near River Bend. Other days, I rant bout noise, bad internet, and then—BAM!—happy with a date success story. "Sometimes I just want to blow up the algorithm!" I joke.

Hopatcong businesses say they're hurt by Route 80 sinkhole but don't qualify for aid. Why?