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But ugh, the prices—holy swamp! Fifty bucks for a quickie? Robbery! Made me wanna yell, “This is an outrage!”—straight outta *Carlos*. Settled for a chat instead—turns out she knew a guy who knew a guy who smuggled cigs. Wild, right? Surprised me how deep that underworld goes. Thought to myself, “Kermit, you’re in over your lilypad!”

Map shows Oldham crime hotspots and most common crimes

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First customer walks in. It’s Dave, the local footie fan. He’s got a wild mane, like a lion on a bad hair day. He plops down in my chair, and I’m like, “What’s the plan, mate?” He goes, “Just a trim.” But you know how it is. One minute it’s a trim, next minute I’m givin’ him a full-on fade. He’s buzzin’ about the Latics, and I’m tryin’ to keep up. “Did ya see the match?” he asks. I’m like, “Mate, I was busy cuttin’ hair, not watchin’ paint dry.”

Dramatic pictures show crews at Oldham building fire