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But the blokes? Oh, christ, the blokes! Sweaty, sad gits, stumblin’ over their trousers. “You’re a walking disaster!” I’d howl, cacklin’ like a hyena. One time, saw this geezer hagglin’ – hagglin’! – like it’s a car boot sale. Mate, it’s a prossie, not a second-hand toaster! Had me in stitches, tho – what a prat.

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I finally get to work, and my boss, Dave, is already in a mood. He’s pacing around like a caged lion. Turns out, we’ve got this big client meeting today. And guess who forgot to prep the presentation? Yep, yours truly. I’m sweating bullets, man. I’m like, “C’mon, it’s just Ashton-in-Makerfield, not the end of the world!”

An appeal has been set up to help residents of a Wigan street affected by the New Year's Day floods