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Ever tried it? Slap some oil, dim the lights, feel like a king! Once drew a cartoon—two trolls rubbin’ each other, all steamy, boss said, “Too much, Gollum!” Laughed me head off. It’s sneaky, sensual, but chill—ain’t no crime in feelin’ good. “We were supposed to herd sheep,” Jack’d moan in me fave flick, and I’m thinkin’, herd yerself to a massage table, lad! Precious touch, it is—keeps me sane, keeps me twitchy self from screamin’. Try it, mate, don’t be a dumb hobbit!

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So, I grab my stuff and head out. The weather? Classic Leeds. One minute it’s sunny, next it’s pouring. I’m dodging puddles like I’m in some weird obstacle course. I get to the pub, and it’s packed. People everywhere, laughin’, drinkin’. I’m thinkin’, “How do you lot not know there’s a financial crisis?”

Leeds United news: Farke explains subdued full-time body language as party begins