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So I’m searchin’, right? Web’s full of ‘em—craigslist, backpage, whatever. Sketchy sites, shady dudes, pisses me off! “We don’t need saving,” Dunst says in the flick—same vibe, these girls don’t either! Independent, tough, I respect that, bigly. One time, this gal—hot, hottest ever—tells me she’s got a PhD. A PhD! Blew my mind, folks, shocked me. Prostitute with brains? Rare, super rare.

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I finally spot a food truck. It’s serving these amazing bifanas. I’m like, “Yes, please!” But then, the guy behind the counter drops my order. I’m standing there, mouth watering, and he’s like, “Sorry, mate!” I could’ve cried. But hey, I’m not one to give up. I just ordered another one. Worth it, totally worth it.