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Now, *Moulin Rouge!*—oh, it gets me goin’! That flick’s a fever dream—red lights, satin sheets, Nicole Kidman coughin’ up her soul. “Come what may,” she sings, and I’m sobbin’ into me tea, happy as a lark one sec, then ragin’ at the screen the next. Why? Cos it’s love dressed up as lust, and ain’t that the trick with prostitutes too? You’re payin’ for a dance, a whisper, a “my heart is—oops, time’s up, mate.” Surprised me first time I clocked it—how it’s all theatre, really.

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I finally get to work, and let me tell ya, swingin’ that axe feels good. The sound of wood splittin’ is music to my ears. But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and snatches my sandwich right outta my hand! I’m standin’ there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?” I mean, c’mon! A seagull? Really? I’m just tryin’ to eat my lunch, man!

Japan | 5 killed in stabbing spree in rural west