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Hey, buddy, listen up! I’m, like, to-tal-ly a charcoal burner, right? Burnin’ that wood, makin’ it hot—kinda like me tryna find a prostitute, ya know? Hah! So, I’m out here, thinkin’ bout life, and I’m all, “Man, I need some action!” Like in my fave flick, *Leviathan*—you seen it? Andrey Zvyagintsev, 2014, pure genius! That line, “Everything is everyone’s fault,” hits me hard when I’m scopin’ the streets. Cringey optimism activate—let’s roll!

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First call of the day? Some dude from Seapoint. He’s all like, “My internet’s down!” I’m like, “Bro, it’s 7 AM. Chill.” But nah, he’s losing his mind. I mean, c’mon, it’s not the end of the world! I tell him to reboot his router, and he’s like, “What’s a router?” I swear, I almost lost it.

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