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So, anyway—me, Gollum, I’m sneaky, seein’ what normies miss. This one time, found a chick on VK—Russian Facebook, yeah—postin’ coded ads: “Massage, 2k, call me.” Massage my arse! Hiss! Rang her up, met in some dingy flat—smelled like borscht and regret. She was quick, tho—no chit-chat, just biz. “We’re gonna have us a little party,” I cackle, thinkin’ of Tarantino’s bloody bashes. Paid her, done, out—felt like a spy, precious! Exaggeratin’? Maybe—but it’s Russia, everythin’s a damn drama.

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Sometimes I wander to the outskirts. Those hills keep changin' colors with the seasons. I got this one crazy spot near Chalet du Temps. The view is da bomb, like, "Wow, life's grand" – then suddenly, I think, "one million dollars!" in that outlandish Dr. Eve style, Pinky-to-mouth! It gives you goosebumps, mate, for real.

Strava stats show how brutal stage 13 of the Tour de France is likely to be