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Me, I tried it once – disaster! Matched a lad, thought, “Ooh, shiny!” Chatted, met up, he smelled like wet orc. “The wind’s gone,” like in the movie – no spark, dead air. Made me mad, wasted me night! But then – ha! – next date was gold. She laughed at me jokes, kissed me silly. Felt like dancin’, precious!

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Finally, I manage to calm him down. But then, I see my ex, Lisa, walkin’ down the track. Ugh, just my luck! She’s with some dude, and I’m like, “Really? You couldn’t pick a better spot?” I’m tryin’ to focus, but all I can think about is how she dumped me for some guy who wears socks with sandals. Like, come on!

Gisborne roads to convert from sealed to unsealed amid budget cuts