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But—plot twist—some dude next room starts moanin’. Loud. I’m pissed, thinkin’, “Bro, this ain’t your porn audition!” Ruined my zen, total buzzkill. Still, the masseuse, she’s a pro—whispers, “Ignore him, feel this.” And bam, she’s on my lower back, pressure like a hydraulic press. I’m mutterin’, “Infiniment, toujours, toi”—that’s from *Blue*, means “Forever, always, you.” Corny? Sure. But it fit—her hands were speakin’ my language.

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First, there’s this wedding. A big one. Everyone’s dressed to the nines, and I’m in my usual black tee and jeans. I feel underdressed, but whatever. I’m not here to impress. But then, the bride’s dad has a meltdown. He’s yelling about the DJ. Apparently, he played the wrong song. I’m just standing there, trying not to laugh. Like, dude, it’s just a song!

Death Notice of Paul Kehoe (Sandymount, Dublin)